the last page of this book

20250717  7:37-8:09

one day, i got a plain little paperback sized recycled leather covered note book made of brown craft papers, without any particular purpose for use it .

 around the end of January, i fell into despair (happens a lot and lot) which was really deep.

 few days later, (February 5th it says) i started this "sketch awake" (to sketch something as soon as woke up) ,somehow. the plain little paperback sized recycled leather covered note book made of brown craft papers got the role suddenly.

 I was the night shifter, so the timestamps were very weird often, but i did anyway. because i started, i could not allow me not to do this.

 and this morning, the last page was done. 

fortunately, almost miraculously, i got the new plain little paperback sized recycled leather covered note book made of brown craft papers which seems out of production, on the flea market app. so this will continue, probably.

 i am very satisfied that i could keep doing this. because i know keeping doing is not always easy for me.

 

 onlooking this world ,

 in the net, 

 it looks ,being approved is good, well known is good ,making big money is good, helping weak lives is good, safe is good, early self recognition is good, good relation with parents and siblings is good, having a bunch of knowledge is good, quicker the better . and i totally agree that. 

 but according to that, 

 what i do here is less than nothing. 

i am worse than nothing.

it seems there is even no place to be for me.　

however, just like this little notebook happened to have that role, who knows what happens. 

  there is something i know here, the moment this writing would be deleted by myself in the future can happen because of the despair i fall very often, 

 but i think drawings would never be. 

 this tells something. 

 i once cried because I couldn't draw a picture. (have you?)

 today i held back tears walking. the tears came from my desire to paint without ANY concerns. (have you?)

that tells something.

 i live in japan. i speak Japanese. i don't understand english very much. but i " use" english here anyway.

"this" might also tell something someday, i hope.  

  ( it is also very fun to see the way this google translation does ☺︎)

    

                         nicely done

                   👆