significant mumble

 

there was a time when a lot of things happened and drawing became less interesting for me, rather even painful.

although i have never even been a full-time artist , i knew i had lost something. something who made me exist . needless to say.

but i think i pretended i was okay ,  and i feel i kept pretending till quite recently.

anyway, after starting 'can't paint or draw', things got worse.

a bad, unexpected thing came to my life. very bad enough to break me. who did the bad thing was not me, but i chose to live my life as if to punish myself, and it lasted for like seven years. i didn't really know why i did that either, i feel like i'm finally starting to get an explanation for this, these days.

i've read  'if you shake an apple tree, you will be given an orange '(something like that) somewhere. it says about the way miracle happen, of course. and i like that very much.

 i feel i've proven that this mechanism worked in an unwanted way, unexpected way.

perhaps it was like, i was humming a song all the time, unconsciously  and that humming was the protector from evil in fact.

when i stopped humming, evil found the door unlocked.

it  is like Tony Gatlif's film "Mondo". 

i can't say i am full-recovered, and there are so many issues i need to deal with, but i am still here and  i will be given an orange this time, or something more ,maybe a bunch of figs .